Sunday, January 2, 2011

To Blog or Not To Blog....

..... about New Year's. I was going back and forth. Not that it's boring, it's just that it's already the 2nd day in January and I haven't done it yet? I guess I can cross "Stop procrastinating" off of my New Year's Resolution list....

I can't say that I really make New Year's Resolutions. I make little goals for myself throughout the year. Dare I say it, New Year's isn't that big of a deal to me. Of course, in high school and college and my early 20's it was fun. We would go out, stay up late, and sometimes kiss someone when the clock struck midnight. Truth is, Craig or I, or both, are usually sleeping before midnight. I admit, I love the hokey Dick Clark Rockin' NYE Special. And who doesn't want to see Snooki descend in a giant ball, (me), but I am just too darn tired!

It also reminds me of a significant loss I had in my life. I lost a pregnancy on New Year's Eve, 2008. A very wanted pregnancy. What a roller coaster. I went to the doctor for back pain. They checked my kidneys, did X-rays, and she could not figure out what was wrong. They finally did a pregnancy test and it was positive. But my hormone level was really low, and I was showing signs of a miscarriage. She sent me to the hospital to do some more tests and an ultrasound. The entire car ride over I was thinking that the doctor could be wrong, and everything was fine, and I would have a baby in the summer. I was trying not to get excited, or sad, I was trying to feel nothing. We got to the hospital and the tests started. It seemed like forever before I finally got the bad news. We lost the pregnancy. So, is it better to have not known or planned or got excited? Not really. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I started planning. Heck, I started planning shortly after having Callie. And everyone asked, like everyone does, "What did you do for New Year's" and what do you say? "Oh, just sat around bawling my eyes out." I was really angry and bitter about it for a while. I know that everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't have Tanner if I didn't have a miscarriage. And I love him so much. He's such a little Craig it's ridiculous. So it did teach me to be thankful for what I have, and that I am not in charge. God is. Maybe I really needed to learn that lesson. I know I am a bit of a control freak.

So as far as my New Year's hopes, just to be happy, appreciate what I have, and learn to let go. Don't sweat the small stuff. Spend every minute I can just playing with the kids, soaking it all up, because I know how fast time flies and before you know it they will be graduating from high school and moving out. Sad thought. Life is way too short to dwell on the little things like dishes not being done, laundry that needs to be put away, and organizing my dresser drawers. If my husband and my children are happy, safe, and loved, then who needs a New Year's Resolution?

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