Shortly after giving birth, a lot of women go through what they call "Baby Blues." It's a hormonal, emotional, mixed up time that a lot of women (and husbands!!) endure. But, our bodies get back to normal (ha, right!) or at least our hormones do. And we slowly get over it. Everyone told me the signs to watch for, and what to do on your bad days. But no one told me it came back. No one told me that you'd go through all of these emotions all over again. Can you have those same feelings all over again?
I feel like I do. I feel like I just had her, and my emotions are everywhere. She's not even gone yet (meaning, kindergarten) and I miss her. And I feel all of this pressure.
I want her to be independent, I want to push her to do her best, I want her to listen, I want her to show respect, I want her to be kind and compassionate. I often find myself in a panic. Do I discipline her too much? Not enough? When she's not with me, is she using her manners? Have I prepared her for the sticky situations she might come acrossed on the bus? In the classroom? On the playground? How do you teach her to stand up for herself without being mean? Would she do the right thing if a stranger approached her? Are my expectations in line with her age or are they too high? Are they too low?
How do I let her go without being scared? I grew up in a really safe, small community where neighbors looked out for each other, where your teachers taught your parents or siblings, and know your family inside and out. It won't happen like that here. And I don't want any of my fears rubbing off on her. (I never, ever bring up how I am a little sad around her, just for the record) I want her to be confident. I know she's just a kid. And maybe all of the questions come because I'm still trying to figure out how to be a mom of a big kid. I've only ever been a mom of a little kid. And maybe the lack of confidence I'm feeling is not in her, but in myself.
I know a lot of you are probably thinking, lady, it's kindergarten. It's not a big deal. Every kid does it, right? But right now, this is my mountain. It's my climb. We're weeks away from the peak and the thought of looking over the edge is scary. Wondering if I did the job right?
Time will tell. I think she's pretty amazing. I think she has two parents who love her and show her how to love. Scratch that. She has two parents, lots of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, family, and friends supporting her. She's smart, funny, and beautiful. I am pretty confident she will breeze through her kindergarten year. I just hope I can keep up for the ride. And keep in mind that this is the first time I've had to really let go, but it won't be the last.
